Death sucks

My grandmother passed away just over a month ago and it seems that tings have just been going downhill.  Before she went into the hospital, my days consisted of going to work all day, then going to her house and helping her with chores and getting ready for bed.  Once she went into the hospital, I would go straight from work to the hospital for a bit.  Now it's like I don't have a clue what to do with myself!  I go to the cemetary sometimes, but it's such a one sided conversation that I just don't always see the point.  I could talk to her just as easily from home!

I guess I feel lost... and a bit.. I dunno... depressed?  I was her PCA, so I was making money.  Then she went to the hospital and I lost that money.  And I feel so selfish when I think that way!  It makes me feel rotten to say I wish I still had that job.  I do wish my grandmother was still here, and I wish she hadn't gotten sick.  But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking... if she hasn't gotten sick and passed, I'd still have that job.  See, I'm terrible!

But I can't help the truth.  That loss of income hurts!  I live paycheck to paycheck like many folks do, and it's been near impossible making up that loss!  I need a job... another job!  I dunno what I'm gonna do, but I gotta figure something out!